He sat on the edge, looking at his dangling bare feet. He and Annie had been drifting in the dark lake for hours without speaking. A small light on deck gave the mist an ochre glow that they couldn't see beyond. It's chilly, said Annie.
 
The flashlight began to die. He picked it up, jiggled it, and it flickered back on. The batteries are a little weak, he said, looking into the barrel. The light cast a ghastly mask on his face. He smiled sadly. He pointed the light at her, then at the mist. She has my eyes, he thought.
 
He had something to say. But then the flashlight slipped from his hand. He grabbed at it, only to knock it overboard. 
 
Annie ran to the side of the motorboat. They watched as the light sank incredibly slowly in the murky water. When it was completely gone, Annie continued to believe she could see a phosphorescent trace.
 
He said, "You know what I'm going to do, and I don't want you to do anything to stop me." In an instant, he had jumped and disappeared beneath the water, like the light. Annie screamed, not knowing whether to dive after him, call for help, or do as she was told.
 
The look, the look he had right before! Did he really want me to let him go? Did he do it just for us?
 
"I'd been worried about him, I guess," Annie went on, "since I knew he was having those tests done. I had the dream the day after we found out he had cancer. You know how Dad always said he would kill himself if he ever got really sick."
 
He had told me, years ago, that he would expect my help. I was ten at the time, and I had promised. 
 
"Let's hope it doesn't happen the way you dreamed," I said. 
 
"I know. That look. Afraid for me or for himself. What should we do if he tries something like that?" asked Annie. 
 
"Stop him. It's too sad."
 
"I wanted to, but I didn't in my dream. He told me not to. And it's hard to know what he really wants."
 
"I wouldn't want him to have to do it himself," I said. To be conscious at that threshold beyond which everything you ever thought, did, and loved has no consequence. All value lost. And then to step toward it. It's unnatural. "Well," I added finally. "Don't think about it for now."
 
During the day, we manage to avoid the thought. And if sounds and shadows in the night, as we watch in our beds, make us fear our mortality, we learn to put them off with pills or induced fatigue. 
 
When I am ninety-eight and I am done, I intend to finish re-reading a favorite book, take a long walk alone, get into bed with my husband, fall asleep spooning, and become suddenly senile. After that, I don't want to know. 
 
I don't want to be around for my husband's death either. His ghost would be my palpable sadness. And I won't die without you. Both of us must go, then, a few minutes before and after, each believing that the world survives without us. To be loved at the moment of death and to know we leave something behind are our only consolations. 
 

***

 
For three years, we knew Dad had a lump in his throat. He had trouble swallowing, and several times a day, he would be possessed by a mad coughing fit that would leave him clutching the furniture for support. The pain that shot through his jaw made him consider taking up heroin. He visited doctors, dentists (for lockjaw), and chiropractors; each found and treated a different cause, but nothing was effective, except painkillers. Then, for a time, his attention was diverted by open-heart surgery, an arterial by-pass operation on his neck, and the effects of a mild stroke suffered on the table. But when he recovered, the throat pain returned and seemed to have spread further into his jaw and ears.
 
Occasionally, he would fall client to some new doctor with a new technique, or in the midst of research for a new technique. Classifieds requesting volunteers caught his attention. Nothing helped. 
 
"If only they could identify the problem, that would be the thing. If only I knew what the hell it was," he said.
 
Of course our first thought had been cancer. He had been smoking a pipe since he was fourteen—in order to appear older, he says, because he was so small as a young man.
 
The first thing his doctors did was check for a tumor. Nothing was found. So Dad was sent on a wild goose-chase after the cause of his pain. The latest diagnosis had been "Eagle's Syndrome." He called to tell me that the doctors had finally cracked the case. 
 
"The doctor gave a shrug and told me that it was not life-threatening. Don't tell me it's not life threatening, I said. I'm in so much pain I want to blow my head off," his voice cracked on the tragicomic note, "me." 
 
Eagle's Syndrome was a rare condition having to do with a fused or overgrown something or other in the jaw area that pinched a nerve and created all sorts of problems throughout the ear and throat area. The symptoms matched his exactly, and he was much relieved to know, finally, what the problem was. I told him he could be proud of having such a distinguished-sounding condition. It seemed to imply a too-lofty perspective on life. I was almost thrilled when I hung up the phone. He was going to get a second opinion, but he was already making plans to have the surgery performed by the leading doctor. 
 
The next day, a second doctor peered down his throat and recognized a cancerous tumor immediately. He scheduled Dad for emergency surgery the following morning. The polyp he had seen was the size of his pinky-tip, and he was confident he could get it.  
 
Dad called that evening to tell me the bad news. I was in the middle of talking to an elevator repairman who had come just as I was leaving for my aesthetics seminar. I had the building superintendent on the other line when I clicked over to Dad. He sounded horrible. He said he was going in for surgery the following morning.
 
I assumed he meant the surgery for Eagle's Syndrome. "Great!" I said. Guessing that I was preoccupied, he didn't correct me. The repairman needed the phone to call the office.
 
The following day, I realized there had been more to that call. I tried him at home, got his machine and left a shaky message saying I hoped the surgery had been a success. 
 
Oh pray god Statistic, your actions each seem so capricious, but the broader future one can almost always predict. Nobody knows his chance of living till tomorrow and yet the insurance companies can confidently place their bets. And if one should defy the odds, do the almost impossible, they'll predict that too ... in retrospect. 
 
The phone rang. It was Molly with the news that Dad had cancer. Her voice was stilted by her shame that we had been blind to the obvious, believing instead in exotic conditions and easy cures (herbs and spine realignments). He would have been better off consulting statistics than doctors. Of course he had throat cancer. Of course he did. So caught up were we with his misleading symptoms (the tumor had performed a kind of dodge pressing on various nerves) that we didn't see it. Even the insurance companies had diagnosed his cancer years before, after a fashion, charging him high premiums as a pipe smoker.
 
I called him, but got his pretty wife instead. "They went to get the tumor," said Candice, "but found that was just the tip of it, honey. It's all throughout his throat, his voice box, and up into his ears." 

 

***

 
 "Well?"
 
"I confess I am responsible for the fact that his heart stopped beating before it would have on its own. But not much before."
 
"Only a little before? Days? Months? Years? It's not as if murder can be judged quantitatively, a little murder, a lot of murder, practically no murder."
 
"Well then would you have me confess to the quality of murder? It certainly was not an unpremeditated act of violence." 
 
"I didn't think it was unpremeditated." 
 
"My intentions were good, but you're not interested in intentions. You are only interested in effects."
 
"Oh, but we are interested in your motives.  Nobody's accused you of manslaughter. We think you knew exactly what you were doing, and your father did not. That's the problem. You did not have his consent."
 
"I didn't want it. I didn't want him to give it. I didn't even want him to know. His consent would have saved me, and I wanted to save him."
 
My mind automatically imagines such scenes. Does this make me perverse?  I went for a walk right after hearing the news, though a thunderstorm was threatening. It was a cool afternoon, and I wore a favorite sweater tied around my waist, but it must have fallen off in the street somewhere. I vaguely remember something leaving me. And I also remember two people in the street were looking at me oddly, perhaps trying to tell me that I had dropped something, but I didn't understand and kept walking. The wind sent newspapers scurrying, and puffed-up white plastic bags went like ghosts. Slanted walkers held their hands in front of them to protect their eyes. The light became eerie and gray. After a while I ended up at the harbor where storms are large and theatrical. As I stood there, big cold drops started to plop, I realized I had lost my sweater. Suddenly, I began sobbing.
 
For the brutal facts I had felt nothing. Turn it into a symbol or a telltale tick, and I weep. I must have a form for my sadness. It must have shape, color, and gesture, or I cannot feel.
 
The treatment would be severe. There was nothing to be gained in this instance by caution. The first three weeks of chemotherapy began with a maximum dosage and would remain max throughout. This would be followed by six weeks of radiation treatments (twice daily) while the chemo continued. 
 
I was the obvious choice among his three daughters to help Candice drive him back and forth to the clinic. Molly and Annie worked nine to six or seven, but I was only studying for my oral exams and doing my dissertation research, which I could easily enough carry on there. 
 
So then, my heretical book would be written in the Bible belt under the conditions that had initially provoked it. Maybe it would even be better to work down there. My family is the audience I worried about most anyway, not graduate students, not professors, nor scholars, nor madmen, but them.
 
I found a reliable source for articles, and told my husband I would leave him for at least a month. 
 
"Hi Dad," I said meaningfully when I finally got him on the phone.
 
"Hullo there pumpkin," he said, trying to sound cheerful. "When the doctor told me I had cancer, I said it couldn't have happened at a better time. I just ran out of tobacco."
 
I couldn't help laughing a little.  
 
"Tomorrow I go in to get fitted up for a chemo port," he continued cheerfully. "You don't have to lie in bed with IVs anymore. Instead they poke a hole above your breast and implant a—I don't know—twist-off cap, I guess. Every day you pull up to the drive-through window and get a fill up. Pretty convenient, I'll say. Some people elect to leave the port in after the cure; it's so damn useful. Who knows what life-threatening illnesses I may get after this one. A port may come in handy. No more IVs for me.  I'll take my kriptonite to go, please."
 
"I'm glad to hear you're taking your treatment so well."
 
"They have my full cooperation. I was being examined by Dr. Ricard yesterday afternoon. He inserted a scope down into my throat to have a look at the tumor. Now that would have hurt anyone, and my throat is pretty sore these days, but I didn't even flinch. Dr. Ricard said that I was a very good patient. Normally, he would have to deaden the area first for most patients. He didn't like to do that because the anesthesia tends to affect the appearance of the tumor. 
 
"I said, look doctor, I'm from a generation that listened to authority figures. You may be younger than me, but you're the doctor, and when you say swallow and sit still, I swallow and sit still."
 
"But the doctor probably does need to know if you're hurting."
 
"He knows it hurts, hurts like hell. That's why I go to him. As my mother used to say to me when she would put iodine on my scrapes, 'If it hurts just think what it's doing to those germs.' And that's what I gotta think about this tumor. Kill the sucker. I will tell you one thing, though, that I couldn't stand. I had to get fitted for this mask for radiation treatment—radiation begins in two weeks. They get you to lie down on a table. Then they put this wet Styrofoam net over your face. It's thick and heavy, almost suffocating, with hardly a slit for you to breathe through. And then they ask you to lie there without moving till it's dry. They don't tell you how long. I swear, I thought they forgot about me and went to lunch or something. It must have been an hour—my head braced to my shoulders and the brace screwed to the table. The mask started to dry up like Plaster of Paris. You start to get an idea what it's like to be buried alive. Buried is something I never want to be, dead or alive. I said to the technician, when she finally came back, 'Hey what'd you do? go for happy hour or what? I've been here for an eternity.' I asked her what happens to claustrophobic people. She said some people have to be sedated, but that I was one of the good patients. Oh yeah, I'm just the kind of poor bastard those sadists like to get their hands on. I asked her if she had endured the mask herself. She said no. I said they should make her, as part of her training, to see how it feels." 
 
"But then it serves me right for smoking, I guess," he ended.

 

***

 

Penny for your thoughts? you used to ask.
 
But I have always been a little afraid to tell you what I'm thinking because I might be wrong.
 
When I used to crawl into bed with you and Mother, I told you it was just nightmares, but I lied. I wasn't sleeping. I couldn't sleep for thinking. I had asked you what water was made of, and you had said molecules, and I had asked you what molecules were made of, and you said atoms. I had asked you what atoms were made of, and you said electrons and a nucleus, "and that's as far as it goes. You can't divide it any more."  You seemed unhappy with your answer, and I didn't believe it, and I kept myself up at night trying to understand how something that took up space could be indivisible. I would slice the tiny thing in my mind, again, again, again. Something was always still there. I found a little relief when I finally imagined that my slicer was thicker than the thing to be sliced. This was like taking refuge in ignorance. 
 
And still a harder problem remained. Whenever I thought of the words, "In the Beginning..." my head began to swim.
 
"What happened before that?"
 
"The Big Bang was the beginning."
 
"What was God doing before that?"
 
"Hali, I don't know. Nobody does, honey," you said. "Ask your mother."
 
About difficult things, Mother always said God would explain it all on judgment day, and I temporarily accepted the concept of mystery in order to sleep.
 
Your last metaphor for God was the Singularity. For a time He reigned there in the exile of Firsts, but when horsed men approached, the guards Newton had lent him fell away. Now He exists only in hopeful minds, a precious secret, like a Jew behind a wall in a decent German's house. 
 
Even with all your disrespect for organized religion, you said you thought there must be something. Your belief had been edited and modernized to fit the presently known facts. Such adjustments are usually made with minimal friction from one generation to the next. But, Dad, I was suckled on what even you cannot swallow. 
 
1927 was the year of your birth and of uncertainty. But by the time Heisenberg's principle begins to filter down to the layman, where are you? Already full of God and Figurehead, sailing toy ships in the Santa Fe River, where knowledge is physically certain and battles are fought for Truth.
 
Heisenberg is too late for you. You come upon the indeterminate scene and even you believe you smell a whiff of Someone's desire. You even find his hand in strange coincidences. And you did not object when science stopped respectfully at the edge of time and pointed to the abyss of human stupidity, humbled our pride, and supplied what little faith in God you had.
 
For me, the inexplicable does not need to be personified. I am content with art, love, and agency. 
 
 

© V.N. Alexander 2003
 
This is an excerpt from the novel Naked Singularity by V.N. Alexander, Permanent Press, 2003.
 
An audiobook version, read by the author, came out in 2024 from Posthumous Publishing.